My ex just told me he still loves me.

Me? I'm all:

#I$O#EWJARFSKDLZCUIO(#JWREA~!!!!!!!!

FUCKER YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE!

Now back the fun bus the fuck up,

and leave.

Please and thank you.

Manupactures

[[Fucking awesome, right?!]]

So I'm getting really sick of the jazz losing. :(
I'm going to the game tonight so shit better change!

I've been hanging out with RobertBFF and Derek a lot lately.
It's been sooo much fun.
But I think my ex is getting jealous and is now pissed at me for it.
God damn it, people are ridiculous.

Judging Books and Judging Men

Wooooow. I have almost 30 followers. Kuuhraazy!
Thanks to

laineyxx
Bre
Twisted Fate
Linda

And a few others, sorry I didn't post all of you. I really dig these blogs, I just wanted to say thanks, guys. :)

Anyways, I promised I would tell you about the douche bag that turned out to be a non-douche bag, right? Here goes:

[[My party outfittt!!]]

So the night after the bowling alley adventure, RobertBFF and I are going to go to this party. This really awesome girl invited me because the party is a birthday party for her friend, and her friend is a suuuuper amazing photographer. Anyways. I'm super excited for this night to go down and I climb into the backseat of Preston's camero and RobertBFF is sitting shotgun. I'm excited. Super stoked. It's going to be a fun night. Then RobertBFF says,"Oh we have to go pick up Derek." Fuck. Really? That guy that hit on me and who was soooo freaking cocky? Wow. This is going to suck. To make matters worse, Preston goes,"Yeah, I'm sorry it'll be a tight squeeze in the backseat because my car is small. So Derek will probably be all up in your kool-aid." (They know Derek is totally digging me.) FAAAACK AGAIN. But I'm thinking, you know what? It's cool, it's only a twenty minute drive or so. So we go pick him up and when he climbs into the back of the camero I instantly get pissed at myself for thinking he looks good. Becki doesn't do relationships, Becki doesn't get crushes unless it's on the certain someone that I fell for awhile ago. (No, I don't feel like going into that subject right now.) So he gives me that stupid cocky grin and I want to punch him right in his Lakers Fan Face. He goes, "Hey, Mary Jane." I hate him even MORE now. No, my name is not Mary Jane, but anybody who is anybody knows that I'm fucking in love with spiderman. Like...it's a little ridiculous. Plus I have red hair. So he decides to call me Mary Jane which is super cute but at the same time super annoying. I just kind of give him that look that says, don't even try it, just get over yourself already.
We have to stop at the gas station because Preston is complaining that all he's eaten today is a jelly donut. Everyone but me gets out of the car. I'll stay right here, thanks. Now I don't even know if I want to drink tonight because Derek is here. Preston gets himself some food and when Derek climbs back into the car he's carrying a Rockstar and what looks like...wait a second you're fucking kidding me. Are those condoms?! And now I'm getting really ticked off inside. I just stare outside the window to ignore his flirtatious glances.
We pull up to the apartment and everyone is reeeaaaddy to party. Except me. I'm thinking I might just hang out with Alex, (she's a sweetheart) and ignore men forever and ever. I climb out of the car first and then Derek. When he gets out, one of the square packages falls out of his lap onto the pavement. I pretend I didn't see it so then I don't bring this situation into an awkward conversation. But Preston goes, "Hey dude, you gonna pick that up?" Derek goes, "Ah, no it's garbage." Wait. Garbage? Wtf? It's not like he used a condom in the car!! And I look on the ground and realize that it's some kind of protein shake powder or something of that effect. Of course, I scold myself. Those weren't condoms! I'm such a fucking idiot! I'm sooo glad I didn't say anything though. That would have been fucking beyond awkward. It's just a protein powder that he mixed with his rockstar. God damn it I'm an idiot.
Now, I'm not like bitchy or anything. I decide that I'm going to have a good night no matter what. And if Derek tries anything with me, I can always sock him in the face. Or have Robert regulate, or have Preston regulate. Or even Alex! I got friends that have my back! :)
We go inside, introductions to everyone is made...and the drinking commences.
I took a shot of Captain Morgan and felt like someone had straight up kicked me in the chest so I made sure I paced myself so I didn't end up stinking drunk on the bathroom floor. Derek isn't drinking, which I find to be weird. Why go to a party if you don't drink and you're not the designated driver? So I go, "Hey how come you're not drinking?" And he tells me something about how his liver is all fucked up so he can't drink very much. Fair enough. Still. I don't like the way he holds himself and the way he looks at people. Like he's better than them.
He asks me if I want to go outside and share a smoke with him and seeing as I forgot my cigarettes I agree. It's a lot quieter outside and a little chilly and I wrap myself in a blanket that's on the balcony couch, and make myself comfortable. He sits next to me, closer than I would like, but I don't say anything.
This is where the shocker comes.
It started with small talk, he told me what music he likes, what school he went to, and his work. I was teasing him for wearing a jacket that cost $80 because Lord knows I would never spend that much money on just a jacket. I can't figure out WHY someone would spend that much money on a piece of clothing, so I ask him and I get an answer I didn't expect at all.
His whole body language changed from cocky and assured of himself to embarrassed! He looked down at his feet for a second and when he made eye contact with me...I don't know it was weird. I realized the cocky thing was a front the whole time. He told me about his acceptance issues which I'm sure anyone can understand. I don't feel like going into details about his problems, not really my place. Being rejected isn't exactly a walk in the park, so of course I understand. The more we talked the more his cocky front started to crumble until the wall was almost completely gone. I realized that he's actually...a nice guy. How could I have been so quick to judge? I said horrible things about him! And he's nice!
"You know, you're really different, Becki. Seriously I have never met anyone like you before."
and he was looking at his feet again when he said this. People have told me this before, my personality is waaaay the fuck out there. I don't dress like anyone else, I don't act or sound like anyone else.... But for some reason having him say it made me feel more different than usual. Like I should be proud of how different I am.
I'm still dumbfounded at the fact that he's not a douche-aroonie. I was so sure that he was just like my exboyfriend. Totally cocky and wants me for sex. But I was beyond wrong. Hahaha it's kind of like pride and prejudice. Where she's like "Mr. Darcy is an asshole!" And then she sees who he really is and she's all, "Wow I was an idiot." That's how I feel right now!
So the party ended up going a lot better than I thought it would. I stayed up all night and watched the sunrise with Alex. I talked with Derek more and got to know him, I'm so relieved that he's not an asshole. RobertBFF got really trashed and passed out in the dog bed which made me laugh soooo hard. :D Haha!
So yeah.
Don't judge a book by it's cover.
Or men, for that matter.

My Mistake

I was quick to judge.
It's so weird too because I'm usually...really good at reading people. But this time...I was so far off. Remember the douche bag at the bowling alley? Yeeeeaaah. He's not really a douche bag. I know. Hard to believe. But...
I'll have to tell you more about it later. And write the zombie dream, I know I know. Don't worry i'll get around to it, my life is sooo crazy.

I stayed up aaalll night last night and slept all day today. I had a lot of fun and I didn't do anything stupid. :) Looks like Becki can have self control after all! I'm not always an idiot, guys. Sheesh.

Bowling Was A Bad Idea

So last night was pretty fun. For the most part. :)
Of course, I went and hung out with RobertBFF and a whole bunch of other people. Everyone decided to go bowling! Yaaaaaaaaaay not. I effing suck at bowling. So I tell them I'm just along for the ride.
That doesn't work at all because I guess they need one more person to bowl. So I reluctantly agree...even though I'm about to embarrass myself.
We're bowling and everything is going great. ((Except for the fact that I only got one strike ever and the rest of the time it was mostly gutter balls)) And RobertBFF decided to invite this guy from his work. I can tell just from one look. TOTAL DOUCHE-AROONIE. His name is Derrick and he thinks he's a gangster. Haha! Whuuutever.
So in between turns I was watching the phx vs Portland game [[rooting for the suns because i hate Portland]] and Derrick walks over.

"Do you even like basketball?"
"Uuuuh, I'm watching it, aren't I?"
"Oh cool. Who's your team?"
"The Utah Jazz, I root for the best."
And he goes, "Ooooooooh!"
And I know right away with a sneaking suspicion, "OHMYGOD. You're a lakers fan."
He says, "Only because of Kobe, he's awesome!"
I just about fucking lost it. "Kobe is a little bitch so you shut your whore mouth! Lakers suck!"

And the rest of the time while we were bowling he was trying sooo hard to impress me! Even RobertBFF was calling it. Robert says,

"Watch, he's going to get a strike, fix his shirt like a little girl, turn around and say something like a smart ass."

Sure enough, Derrick gets a strike, fixes his shirt, and says, "And that's how it's done!"

And I'm up to bowl. And most likely fail. I walk up and grab my eight pound ball and Derrick walks up (why can't he just give up?!) "If you want, I can teach you how to bowl. Watch me, this is how it's done, baby."

Me: "I'm not your baby."

Whatever. You're really not impressing me, just getting on my nerves. I mean seriously! Who is his mother?! And why did she not teach him how to treat a lady! You don't call a girl 'baby' the first day you talk to her! Don't you know there is wooing involved?! Has he never seen a chick flick in his life?! Then he tries to impress me more by telling me he's straight edge. Okay. Cool. Just so you know, you're fucking lame, dude! Straight edge for life? How many straight edge guys claim that, get tattoos and sell out a few years later? You're. Fucking. Lame.

Anyways, besides Derrick, it really wasn't too bad. Derrick's friend Clint was hella funny and even though he was flirty with me too....at least he wasn't being an idiot about it. And Preston was making me laugh so hard that I almost fell out of my chair. He was smashed off his ass and bowling grandma style and backwards for no apparent reason. It was a little embarrassing that I was even losing to Drunk Preston. Gaaaaah!

We should have done mini golf. I'm at least decent at that.

Quickie

We go together like salt and pepper. ♥

This is just going to be a quick post. Sorry to fool you with the tease of a title doods. There is nothing sexual to be read here!

Anyways. I'm really really fucking sick of guys right now. More like I'm sick of the way my brain is like 'OMG I ♥ MEN.' Kind of like when Drina and I went to Kohl's and we're shopping away when we hear over the intercom, "Men, please. Men." We just started laughing. Men, yes please! Haha but no seriously. I'm sick of my brain. So anyways I'm going to go hang out with my BFF Robert which you've probably seen pictures of him in my photography blog but I'm super nervous because he's probably going to hit on me. Again. *sigh* Sometimes best friends should just fucking stay best friends! I love Robert to death but good fucking God!

Oh and THEEEN, three days ago guess who randomly decides to email me. Mr. Navy. You guys probably don't remember him, he was the super nerdy boyfriend I had last January. Click here for more details. So a year ago. A YEAR. And yeah the email was fine and dandy, no harm done. He just wanted to talk and see how I was doing, but for some reason I feel like there's an ulterior motive there. Which is bad. Because men should not like me. I'm fucked up in the head and I'm the craziest person there is. Not to mention there's a certain someone I always seem to be talking to which is really really stupid of me but I can't help it because he's just so adorable. Gaaaaaaawd.

Oh aaand. Last night I had a really fucking crazy dream about zombies, so I will probably write a story about that. COMING SOON. Oh and I also have a lot of bitching to do about love so get prepared for that!

How are you all doing?

Hope you're not as sick as I am!

♥TTFN.

The Worst Person I Ever Met

Nor hell a fury like a red head scorned.

Not really. But you know.

I met him last week.
I'm glad I only had to see him one time.
His name is Steve. Which is ironic, it seems that every Steve or Steven I meet is a complete asshole. (With the exception of Uncle Steve. haha.) If you want to know about the original Steven and why he sucks, you can click here. But I'll warn you, it's heartbreaking.

It was girls day. :)
I absolutely love girls day.
It was winding down, getting to be around 10:00 pm. But me and my girl don't sleep yet! Hell no. We're never done having fun. We get in the car and drive around. Turn on the music and turn up A Day to Remember. I'm craving a hug from Jesse, a cigarette, and some coffee. Unfortunately Jesse doesn't answer his phone. Coffee it is. We're going to go meet Steve for coffee at Denny's.
I haven't heard one good thing about Steve except for the fact that he's good looking. Well, so was Original Steven, so who fucking cares about looks. But my girl friend, Drina, wants us to get along so I try to be nice. For about 10 minutes. Until he opened his mouth and I had to listen to all the bull shit. I just about fucking lost it.

The restaurant smells like greasy food and coffee and we get a booth seat. Steve's slightly older, he has dark brown hair and eyes as black as my coffee. His smile curls around his face like a snake and I want to punch him until he stops smiling. I can feel my anger starting to boil. Names and faces flash through my head. The Original Steven. Jordan. Andrew. All those guys that used me. Their snaked smiles are racing through my mind. All I can see is red and I know I'm going to lose it soon.

Then his bitch shows up.

Let me explain. Drina works with Steve. She has kind of a thing for him. Sure, he's charming. He's good looking. But there's something completely wrong about this guy. Red lights are going off in my head as a warning.
Sofia is his 'ex'-girlfriend. I don't believe that for a second.
She shows up, sits across the table from us but right next to Steve. "What the hell is this?" She demands an explanation. And he excuses himself to go calm down his raging lady. She leaves. I don't know how he does it, but he convinces her that there's nothing to worry about.
"I don't know why she's so clingy, I try to get her to leave but she won't. I don't want to kick her out on the street."
Drina goes, "She loves you."
He shakes his head, "No, no. I don't think she does."
I go, "Oh she loves you. I don't have any fucking idea why she'd love you, but she does."
Steve smiles at me and I half expected there to be creepy crawlies in his teeth, like a shot from the movie The Grinch. "I've never told her I loved her. Never."
"BULL SHIT, STEVE. I'll bet you anything you tell her that you love her and that she means everything to you, just to get her off your fucking back."
"Okay, okay yeah. I tell her I love her to get her to chill."
"You're fucking sick." I practically spat the words into his face."
"You think you know about love? Huh?"
I said, "I've been around the block."
And he said, "You're young. You know nothing of love. There's no such thing."
Drina has to put a hand on my arm because I'm shaking with rage. This guy is just like Original Steven. He's got it written all over his face. And I don't want Drina to have anything to do with this creep. No such thing as love? You might as well slap me in the face. Love has a lot of meaning to me and plays a huge role in my life.

"Relax, relax, every thing's fine." He says.
"Relax? You want me to relax? My best girl friend has a thing for you and when we go out for coffee YOUR FUCKING BITCH shows up. Just proves to me that you are nothing but an asshole."

When I get that angry, which happens about once a year, I start to see pure red. And I have a hard time controlling myself.
I went outside and sat on the bench.
There were a couple of young guys walking past.
They started to cat call at me. "Look, Jake. A red head!"
"Oooh! Hey! Hey you! Wanna go out with me? Your red hair is sexy!"
Normally I would have just ignored them and not worried about it. But I was at the breaking point. I yelled, "SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU PIECE OF SHIT."

Drina and Steven get the message that I'm done here and that I want to leave. They come outside and I have a hard time making eye contact with anyone. I'm shaking and it's cold outside but I don't even have goosebumps. I'm shaking with more anger than I ever thought could be possible. He turns to me and says 'Have a good night.'
But I've already turned around and I yell, "FUCK YOU," as I'm walking back towards the car.

Reasons Why

This may or may not be informational. Reasons why you shouldn't like me:

• I smoke. It's a nasty habit. But I love it.
• I'm a coward. It's true. I'm afraid of everything.
• I'm a heart breaker. It's true. Ask Adrianna. Or Pat Benetar.
• My favorite super hero is spiderman. no one else likes him, but I sure do!
• I'M LOUD. I SHOULD HONESTLY JUST TYPE IN CAPS ALL THE TIME TO GIVE YOU AN IDEA OF HOW LOUD I AM.
• I blame pretty much everything on myself. Even if it's not my fault. It's raining outside? Oh. Sorry. My bad.
• I hate work. Hate hate hate hate HATE.
• Oh yeah and I hate school too. Any type of school. I hate it.
  
• I lie sometimes. It's true, I do. OR DO I?! Bwaha. :)
• Like a billion guys chase me and I tend to want to hit all of them in the face with a bat.
  
• I do not know what I want. I don't know exactly what I want relationship-wise, future-wise, dinner-wise...you name it. I don't know what I want.
• I'm a girl. And girls fucking suck. :)
• I listen to my music far too loudly.
• I think about death every day. Cuz I'm crazy and I have issues.
  
• I cry super duper easy. And I cry a super duper lot.

Welp. There you go. That's not all the reasons, but some of them. NOW.

Reasons why I want you to like me:

• I'm like a tiny scared kitten that wants to be rescued.
  
• I feel like more of a real person and less crazy if you like me.
• So I have an excuse to hold your hand.
• I want to be there for you through thick and thin.
• I want to argue with you. Yes, I want to argue with you. :)
• So you can be loud and obnoxious with me.
• So I can give you a bracelet.
• So I can feel wanted.
• For inside jokes. ♥
• And falling in love.

TOTALLY should have seen it coming.
Hellooooooo Becki!
Wake the fuck up!
Where's my baseball bat?
I wanna smash some boys' faces in.
Grrrrrrr.

I'm so sick of being sober.