Becki Bible: March 2011

March 3, 2011
"I'm tired of these homos going through my trash!" -Robert's mom
"That kid is so gangster. Not. I better go teach him a thing or two." -Abi

March 8, 2011
I don't care who you are talking about, and I don't care if it's true or not. Don't fucking talk shit on my friends.

"Tomorrow's forecast: God reigns and the Son shines."

I've been dealing with so much negativity lately. Negative comments, negative words, some of them towards me and some of them directed elsewhere. Maybe I'm just being ultra sensitive today. Or whatever. But i'm really getting fucking sick of it. I'm tired of people acting like they are better than me.

March 10, 2011
"So I walk into Derek's house and I see his older brother vacuuming without a shirt on and he goes, 'Sup.' I think to myself, well i ain't gay or anything but I would even put out for him!" -RobertBFF
[hahahahaha]

Guy: Why is it so quiet over here?
Johnny: I have work tomorrow.
Me: I'm tired.
Derek: I'm jewish.

[[OHMG. HAHAHA.]]

"What if you looked over and I was just balls deep in this pizza?" -Me

Ben: We'll send my body to someone we hate.
Me: Who do we hate? Usher?

March 18, 2011
There was a spider when I got in the shower today. Chillin on the shower wall. I killed it.
Pervert spider.

March 20, 2011
Look up Paper Towels.

[[HAHA Hey friends come over I got paper towels]]

I hate small talk. So fucking much.

March 22, 2011
"Wanna hear something funny? STAY! SIT DOWN!" -Adrianna
"Wanna see how much gum I bought?!" -Adrianna

March 23, 2011
Me: Did you guys know I'm gangster now?!
Robert: You're packin more heat than a microwave!

March 27, 2011
"It's like a tuxedo on your vagina." -Me

March 29, 2011
I left my phone at home. So now I'm at alpha, worrying probably too much. Only because privacy is important to me. One time my dad decided to go through my phone a couple years ago. I was pissed. I just feel that I deserve privacey and when you violate my privacy I get offended. Blaaaaah!

Wish List Wednesday

I wish
I had friends that actually understood me.
And maybe even cared for me.

But wait, oh yeah, I remember now.
That's fucking impossible.

That's the thing about being me. No one fucking gets me. I'm so different that when I speak my mind or when I'm myself people get that look on their face like: What the fuck is this chick saying?
Two days ago, I was out bowling with friends.
I was having fun and being myself. Being myself means I was making silly faces, being loud, doing stupid dance moves whenever I got a strike (which was almost never) and I guess I shouldn't have been doing that. One of my friends said, "Oh my gosh. You're so weird. Just be normal. I like it when you're normal." Fuck. Really? Those words slapped me hard across the face. I sat down on the bench and had to bite my lip to keep the tears back.
Yesterday I went to alpha. I was super pumped for some spiritually uplifting lessons. But nope! I just left super confused. So I went over to Jerry's house to talk to him some more about the lesson. We ended up just hanging out for awhile which was chill. He started to talk about how he and Drina hang out all the time...which I already knew. She talks about him all the time. And I got jealous. She's my best friend, not yours. I started crying and Jerry let me cry on his shoulder while I pathetically bawled all over him because my friends don't seem to like me anymore. Except for maybe RobertBFF and I don't even know what he's been up to.

It's not like I'm a fucking psycho. I'm not a satanist, I don't worship Egyptian gods, I don't eat weird food combinations, hell I don't even talk different from other people.

I definitely act different though.

I'm not like everyone else.

I usually like being different.
Today, I just want to be fucking normal.

A black eye and coffee to go, please.

I party too hard.
I love it.
[[robertBFF has a girlfriend now!!]]

So I got effing plastered and decided to take out a closet door with my head. I'll tell you what, that closet door ain't got nothin on me! I took him OUT.

And now I have kind of a black eye. Sweeeeeeeet.

It was an interesting night, I should have put down that last shot of C-host instead of taking it, but seeing as I've been an emotional wreck the past week I was takin that shot for sure. I met some amazing people that night, but I probably wouldn't make it a habit of going over there regularly. The party scene can be a bit much for me....I get out of control. And you'd be able to tell if you looked at the closet door.

The next morning I woke up, got dressed, and went to the South Mountain Community Church. It was really nice, I went there last week and it was even better this week. The music is amazing and the message was really good. I almost cried though. The pastor was talking about being a true friend and not giving up on people. :(
It reminded me of Drina, how mad she probably is at me, how I don't know how to tell her I need her in my life, I desperately need my best friend. I wouldn't blame her if she gave up on me. I really honestly wouldn't.
The church is really fucking huge though, I'm not sure if I like that part. There are sooo many people there and I feel so out of place. At my old church, everyone knew everybody. At this one...well it's just so freaking big that you can't tell who is who! A nice girl named Emily walked up and introduced herself to me. That made me feel super good, I LOVE NICE PEOPLE.

After church, I went with Derek and his family out to eat. At the Cheesecake Factory. That place is waaaay expensive! I got a chicken bacon avocado sandwich because I loooove avocados. The waitress was named Courtney and she said I was the most upbeat and happy person she's talked to all day and I made her day. I am pretty upbeat and 'happy' a lot of the time. It's usually a front though. :( Strongsad.

How was your weekend?!
TELL ME STUFF, GUYS!
TTFN. ♥

In The Perfect World...

[[In the perfect world, I wouldn't hate myself.]]

In the perfect world, I would never lose my best friend. I'd have a job that I love. I'd have Mr. Right by my side. I'd have my own car and my own place. I'd feel like I deserve a relationship with God.

But unfortunately....

I'm just a giant FUCK UP. :D
Yup. I hate myself, what of it? There's a lot of people in this world that hate themselves for one reason or another. I'm not exactly sure how to 'love' myself when I've been hating myself for so long. For years and years.
My best friend pretty much hates me. I don't blame her, I'm kind of a fucked up person and I've made a lot of mistakes. Some of them being unforgivable in her eyes, I think.
Mr. Right...well let's not get into that. :(
I don't have a car because I have a fucking anxiety attack every time I get behind the wheel.
I don't have my own place because I don't have a job.
And I most definitely don't feel like I deserve to know God at all.

BAAAAAAAH

[["City of Magna! REPENT!"]]


Fucking whuuutever.
I'm so sick of being depressed all the time.

The jazz lost last night. :(
Worst officiating game I've ever seen. I don't normally blame the refs because that's what everyone does. I'm humble enough to know if my team is doing something stupid. But we played pretty damn well last night! Deron put up 39 points! I mean god damn! We couldn't seem to get a fucking call!

I hung out with my ex last night too.

Now i'm emotional.

[[I'm pathetic.]]

The Worst Person I Ever Met

Nor hell a fury like a red head scorned.

Not really. But you know.

I met him last week.
I'm glad I only had to see him one time.
His name is Steve. Which is ironic, it seems that every Steve or Steven I meet is a complete asshole. (With the exception of Uncle Steve. haha.) If you want to know about the original Steven and why he sucks, you can click here. But I'll warn you, it's heartbreaking.

It was girls day. :)
I absolutely love girls day.
It was winding down, getting to be around 10:00 pm. But me and my girl don't sleep yet! Hell no. We're never done having fun. We get in the car and drive around. Turn on the music and turn up A Day to Remember. I'm craving a hug from Jesse, a cigarette, and some coffee. Unfortunately Jesse doesn't answer his phone. Coffee it is. We're going to go meet Steve for coffee at Denny's.
I haven't heard one good thing about Steve except for the fact that he's good looking. Well, so was Original Steven, so who fucking cares about looks. But my girl friend, Drina, wants us to get along so I try to be nice. For about 10 minutes. Until he opened his mouth and I had to listen to all the bull shit. I just about fucking lost it.

The restaurant smells like greasy food and coffee and we get a booth seat. Steve's slightly older, he has dark brown hair and eyes as black as my coffee. His smile curls around his face like a snake and I want to punch him until he stops smiling. I can feel my anger starting to boil. Names and faces flash through my head. The Original Steven. Jordan. Andrew. All those guys that used me. Their snaked smiles are racing through my mind. All I can see is red and I know I'm going to lose it soon.

Then his bitch shows up.

Let me explain. Drina works with Steve. She has kind of a thing for him. Sure, he's charming. He's good looking. But there's something completely wrong about this guy. Red lights are going off in my head as a warning.
Sofia is his 'ex'-girlfriend. I don't believe that for a second.
She shows up, sits across the table from us but right next to Steve. "What the hell is this?" She demands an explanation. And he excuses himself to go calm down his raging lady. She leaves. I don't know how he does it, but he convinces her that there's nothing to worry about.
"I don't know why she's so clingy, I try to get her to leave but she won't. I don't want to kick her out on the street."
Drina goes, "She loves you."
He shakes his head, "No, no. I don't think she does."
I go, "Oh she loves you. I don't have any fucking idea why she'd love you, but she does."
Steve smiles at me and I half expected there to be creepy crawlies in his teeth, like a shot from the movie The Grinch. "I've never told her I loved her. Never."
"BULL SHIT, STEVE. I'll bet you anything you tell her that you love her and that she means everything to you, just to get her off your fucking back."
"Okay, okay yeah. I tell her I love her to get her to chill."
"You're fucking sick." I practically spat the words into his face."
"You think you know about love? Huh?"
I said, "I've been around the block."
And he said, "You're young. You know nothing of love. There's no such thing."
Drina has to put a hand on my arm because I'm shaking with rage. This guy is just like Original Steven. He's got it written all over his face. And I don't want Drina to have anything to do with this creep. No such thing as love? You might as well slap me in the face. Love has a lot of meaning to me and plays a huge role in my life.

"Relax, relax, every thing's fine." He says.
"Relax? You want me to relax? My best girl friend has a thing for you and when we go out for coffee YOUR FUCKING BITCH shows up. Just proves to me that you are nothing but an asshole."

When I get that angry, which happens about once a year, I start to see pure red. And I have a hard time controlling myself.
I went outside and sat on the bench.
There were a couple of young guys walking past.
They started to cat call at me. "Look, Jake. A red head!"
"Oooh! Hey! Hey you! Wanna go out with me? Your red hair is sexy!"
Normally I would have just ignored them and not worried about it. But I was at the breaking point. I yelled, "SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU PIECE OF SHIT."

Drina and Steven get the message that I'm done here and that I want to leave. They come outside and I have a hard time making eye contact with anyone. I'm shaking and it's cold outside but I don't even have goosebumps. I'm shaking with more anger than I ever thought could be possible. He turns to me and says 'Have a good night.'
But I've already turned around and I yell, "FUCK YOU," as I'm walking back towards the car.

Drunk.

I never really know what i'm thinking when i'm drunk.

Because i usually just pass out.

I'm currently a little drunk.

So here goes.

He was AN ASSHOLE.

And in the middle of it all, i made fool of myelf in front of the guy i wanted to impress. WAY TO GO, BECKI. I wanted to make him think i was cute, dateable, and what not.

I ended up embarrassing myself, making it look like i would leave just to go make out with some guy. WHICH WAS NOT THE CASE AT ALL.

Sitting at Kyle's in his computer chair, wishing i would disappear.

I kissed a guy.

He was adorable, honestly.

He was nice, i found him easy to talk to, yet i can't seem to feel comfortable quite yet.

Normal?

I'm not sure.

I'm still a little drunk.

I'm back spacing a lot throughout this blog.

I really wish i wasn't such a loser.

Robert wants to be my best friend again. I about cried when he called me and told me. He's my best friend, he understands me and it just meant so much. I wouldn't trade anything for him. I'm so glad we're friends again.

Judist priest, i think it's time to pass out.

It's been real, peace!