So much Regret

October wasn't a very good month for me.
It's amazing how much I can regret just from one night. One very, stupid night.
I didn't want to post this.
I was nervous of what everyone would think of me.
To know I did something so terrible.
I not only made the mistake once, but I kept repeating my mistake.

He seemed like a cool guy when I talked to him. I was at a party at Kyle's house. Kyle was telling us all how great Steven was. How he was practically his best friend. So, Kyle, time to play match maker? Kyle gave Steven my number, and me his.

We texted for awhile. For a long while, actually. Usually every day. Learning so much about each other. He said he was an honest person and he wasn't afraid to show his racism. I disagreed with him on that subject, of course, but told myself everyone was entitled to their own opinion. I became more and more unsure of him with little things he would say here and there. About how he would never ever date a girl who wasn't white. Or when he had extreme bitterness towards his ex. How money and drinking was so important in life. And dressing in nice clothes was absolutely important.

But his charm got the best of me. Because I was a stupid head, and I would rationalize! 'He just doesn't know what it's like to be with someone like me....' or 'He's such a sweet heart...he could learn so much from me...I have so much to offer him...' Good lord, could I get any more stupid?

When I finally met him I was really excited. At Kyle's house. I was super shy when I first met him and slowly began to open up. His blue eyes and his smile just about killed me. He was so good looking. We sat down on the couch to watch Fight Club. I'd never seen it before. I held the cold bottle of a Blue Moon beer in my hand with my legs draped over his lap, and his arm around me and we cuddled close. The alcohol soon started to take effect and I felt a droll buzz in my head and as we relaxed more, we cuddled closer.

After several beers I was quite drunk. And I don't remember a lot of that night. My best girl friend and other people showed up and it turned into a small party. Drinking, laughing, joking. Having a good time in general. I had already planned on spending the night at Kyle's as I usually did. Going home intoxicated was never a good idea. Plus if anyone drove me home drunk I'd be very pissed. Steven was spending the night there too. He was visiting from Las Vegas. (Figures. Las Vegas. Shoulda tipped me off right there!)

As my best girl friend was leaving she gave me a hug and said, "Becki. Don't bump uglies!" I assured her I won't as she was leaving. And everything else is still kinda fuzzy. I remember laying in the other room with Steven on the mattress. Making out, clothes coming off, and then YUP we bumped uglies.

Worst. Mistake. Ever.

Maybe he'll really like me! Maybe we can date!

I felt kind of guilty the next morning. Actually, I felt really guilty. I'd told my best girl friend I wouldn't do something and then I did it! Granted, she told me not to do it for my own good. I should have listened. But he was still being so nice to me! We walked to Wendy's and grabbed some food. We flirted and talked and I had a feeling things would go well for us. I really wanted to date him.

Then he stopped texting me. He apologized for 'leading me on' and said he had some stuff he needed to take care of with his ex. I felt a little hurt, but not bad. Everyone has baggage they need to take care of, right? I mostly just felt hurt because I'd slept with him...I gave him a special part of me. Hoping he would like me right back. What a stupid mistake.

I was over at Kyle's another night. Drinking and partying like usual. Steven was there. And he was being more distant than last time. Was that going to stop me? No. I was determined. He just had to like me...I wanted him to like me so bad. After too many shots of tequila, I made my move. We cuddled on the couch during the movie. Which later that night after everyone left, turned into sex again. And I made the stupid mistake again.

The next day I woke up laying by myself. Steven was on the other couch texting. He teased me for sleeping in so late. I was hoping I would wake up with him right next to me. I know, maybe I like cuddling too much, maybe I expected too much from him. I just really liked him and wanted to show him I cared.... I felt disappointed and a little offended when all he did was offer me a ride home. I got a hug goodbye. Things felt wrong. I wake up and he's on the other couch, I get a hug goodbye, he doesn't want to hang out.... I wanted to ignore the gut feeling that told me he had just used me for sex. I couldn't be that stupid. It was impossible! There was no way I could fall for something like that!

Let's fast-forward to how he treats me now:
-"You're not depressed. Depression is just a sarcastic state of mind."
-"You still owe me a blow job."
-"Becki, nobody cares about what you have to say."
-"The only good thing about women is what's from the neck down."
-"No, it's because your voice is so god damn annoying."
-"Um, you should never come over to Kyle's ever again."
-"You're just a cock block."
-"You wouldn't look good in a mini-skirt."
-"Well, nobody asked you."
-"Want to be friends with benefits?"
-"God, shut up."

The funny thing is, my friends don't realize how bad he's hurt me. I wanted this guy to like me so bad. So bad. And now, he's so cruel to me that I'm close to tears. People say, "Just ignore him." It's kind of hard to ignore him when I (stupidly) cared about him! And still kind of do. I can't believe I still care for someone who is so god damn mean! So fucked up! All his friends give him excuses because he's funny and charming. "Oh, it's just how Steven is."
I don't care.
He tricked me.
I let him fool me.
And I gave him a part of me.
He may have thought it was 'just sex'.
But Becki doesn't ever have 'just sex'.
Sometimes I wish he would just go die in a blender.

I've never been treated so poorly in my whole life.