Belonging

It always feels nice, when you feel like you have a place to belong.

I wish I felt like that.


It's been awhile since I last posted. Things have been pretty crazy for me. I don't feel like posting a huge long post. So I'll give you the quick run down.

• Went on a REAL date.
• My grandma passed away.
• Hung out at the huka lounge.
• Went to church.

I'm feeling so odd. Like I'm watching my own life do it's thing, as if I have no control. I watch myself smile and laugh with my friends at the huka lounge, I watch as I cry at my grandma's funeral, and I watch while I take shots of whiskey with grape rockstar.

I'm like the random puzzle piece that someone found while cleaning out behind the couch. There's no place for me. Except for maybe the trash can.

A Real Date

For once, I'd just like to go on a REAL fucking date.
You know.
You go out to dinner, you're both kind of shy because you don't know each other that well, but you're giving each other the puppy dog looks....(fucking love that puppy dog look shit)
My date doesn't freak the fuck out when he sees the tab because I didn't order a salad. (Sorry i'm such a fatass.)

Being considerate of me, making me feel comfortable, but having tons of fun at the same time. Isn't that what a real date is? Or are all the chick flicks lying to me these days?

For awhile I was like, "I'm not going to be like most girls. I'm not going to expect chivalry."
FUCK THAT NOISE.
I deserve at least a little chivalry.
I'm tired of taking care of 'him'.
I'm tired of catering to 'him'.
Do I get a turn? Can I get taken care of? That would be nice.
Oh and when a guy takes me on a date and then expects me to sleep with him afterwards.... Uh....since when does taking me to see Toy Story 3 grant you entrance into my vagina? NEVER.

I want the puppy dog looks, the wooing, the sighs, the flirtatious glances, damn it!
Maybe this weekend will be promising. ;)

Omfg I almost forgot about Wish List Wednesday.
Here's my wishes for this Wednesday:

• Take a super kick ass amazing photo
• Go on a real date (obviously)
• A good night's sleep where I actually go to bed at a decent time.
  

JIFEWOAF

I know it's been a minute since anyone has heard from me.
To be honest, it's because my life...is boring right now.
Nothing to report.
So...ily. TTFN.♥

I'm slacking on the stalking....

♫ Oh, no one is watching now
Sing like you just might drown ♫



Hey dudes! I know, I know. I haven't been able to properly stalk everyone and leave comments and shit. I've been a busy bee. I apologize profusely.

I'm really frustrated that my photos aren't as amazing as I want them to be. Struggling photography artist? I guess you could call me that.

I had another attack of jealousy the other day. That perfect bitch with her perfect hair and perfect boobs. And all the guys were all starin at her like 'Daaayyyuuum'.

I was like:

Yup.

I hate perfect girls.

Just have one bad hair day, that's all I ask!

Things have been pretty crazy with RobertBFF lately...but I don't want to get into that right meow.

Hope you all have a fantastic weekend!

TTFN♥

Annoyed

Would Everyone Just Leave Me Alone

For Five Fucking Minutes?

Numbers

I have indigestion. :( My tummy hurts sooooo bad.
I've been feeling a little down lately.
Know any funny jokes?
Or send me a link of a funny picture?
That would be amazing of you guys. <33

Now for the numbers!

20 Things I love:

[[Being 20 is Awesome]]

1. Fuzzy Blankets
2. Elephants
3. Umbrellas
4. Ugly Sweaters
5. Good Charlotte
6. Photography
7. Nail Polish
8. Bracelets
9. Jacket Weather
10. Cuddling
11. Cotton Candy
12. Nerdy Guys♥
13. Spider Man
14. The Little Mermaid
15. Red Hair
16. Poetry
17. Hula Hoops
18. Stupid Adventures
19. RobertBFF♥
20. Jhonen Vasquez

8 Secrets:
[[My Favorite Number]]

1. If I'm not careful, I will be an alcoholic.
2. I'm surprised every time a guy hits on me.
3. I don't enjoy sleeping.
4. I've been in love twice.
5. I've had a couple 'pregnancy scares'.
6. Sometimes I wonder who would care if I died the next day.
7. I day dream about true love basically 24/7.
   
8. Sometimes my depression gets so bad that my chest hurts.

10 Random Facts About Myself:
[[The day I was born]]

1. My right ear is kinda weird lookin :P
2. I can't read sheet music for the piano, but I play the piano anyways.
3. I make bracelets.
4. My highest bowling score is 60. :/ [[I'm really bad.]]
5. I am fearless on a horse.
6. I never went to detention in school, or got in trouble.
7. I smoked weed a couple times, and hated it every time. Still hate it.
8. I think I have beautiful hands. :)
9. I've been arrested before, when I was 16.
10. I can blow smoke rings when I smoke hookah.
    

TTFN.♥

My Mistake

I was quick to judge.
It's so weird too because I'm usually...really good at reading people. But this time...I was so far off. Remember the douche bag at the bowling alley? Yeeeeaaah. He's not really a douche bag. I know. Hard to believe. But...
I'll have to tell you more about it later. And write the zombie dream, I know I know. Don't worry i'll get around to it, my life is sooo crazy.

I stayed up aaalll night last night and slept all day today. I had a lot of fun and I didn't do anything stupid. :) Looks like Becki can have self control after all! I'm not always an idiot, guys. Sheesh.

Bowling Was A Bad Idea

So last night was pretty fun. For the most part. :)
Of course, I went and hung out with RobertBFF and a whole bunch of other people. Everyone decided to go bowling! Yaaaaaaaaaay not. I effing suck at bowling. So I tell them I'm just along for the ride.
That doesn't work at all because I guess they need one more person to bowl. So I reluctantly agree...even though I'm about to embarrass myself.
We're bowling and everything is going great. ((Except for the fact that I only got one strike ever and the rest of the time it was mostly gutter balls)) And RobertBFF decided to invite this guy from his work. I can tell just from one look. TOTAL DOUCHE-AROONIE. His name is Derrick and he thinks he's a gangster. Haha! Whuuutever.
So in between turns I was watching the phx vs Portland game [[rooting for the suns because i hate Portland]] and Derrick walks over.

"Do you even like basketball?"
"Uuuuh, I'm watching it, aren't I?"
"Oh cool. Who's your team?"
"The Utah Jazz, I root for the best."
And he goes, "Ooooooooh!"
And I know right away with a sneaking suspicion, "OHMYGOD. You're a lakers fan."
He says, "Only because of Kobe, he's awesome!"
I just about fucking lost it. "Kobe is a little bitch so you shut your whore mouth! Lakers suck!"

And the rest of the time while we were bowling he was trying sooo hard to impress me! Even RobertBFF was calling it. Robert says,

"Watch, he's going to get a strike, fix his shirt like a little girl, turn around and say something like a smart ass."

Sure enough, Derrick gets a strike, fixes his shirt, and says, "And that's how it's done!"

And I'm up to bowl. And most likely fail. I walk up and grab my eight pound ball and Derrick walks up (why can't he just give up?!) "If you want, I can teach you how to bowl. Watch me, this is how it's done, baby."

Me: "I'm not your baby."

Whatever. You're really not impressing me, just getting on my nerves. I mean seriously! Who is his mother?! And why did she not teach him how to treat a lady! You don't call a girl 'baby' the first day you talk to her! Don't you know there is wooing involved?! Has he never seen a chick flick in his life?! Then he tries to impress me more by telling me he's straight edge. Okay. Cool. Just so you know, you're fucking lame, dude! Straight edge for life? How many straight edge guys claim that, get tattoos and sell out a few years later? You're. Fucking. Lame.

Anyways, besides Derrick, it really wasn't too bad. Derrick's friend Clint was hella funny and even though he was flirty with me too....at least he wasn't being an idiot about it. And Preston was making me laugh so hard that I almost fell out of my chair. He was smashed off his ass and bowling grandma style and backwards for no apparent reason. It was a little embarrassing that I was even losing to Drunk Preston. Gaaaaah!

We should have done mini golf. I'm at least decent at that.

The Young and the Homeless

I saw a guy do cocaine for the first time ever.

We'll get to that in a second.

The tent outreach was on Sunday. Jerry and I have been putting together that project, you all probably know about it. Giving out tents and blankets to the homeless.

The experience...wasn't what I thought it was going to be. Every time I go downtown, I see a homeless person. You can't go to the mall or Burger King without seeing a homeless person asking for spare change. It's bull shit, really. Everyone says 'that's life' or 'they reap what they sow', but no. It's bull shit. I don't think anyone should be homeless. Someone could be fucked up on meth every single day and I still don't think they deserve to be homeless.

We got all the tents together, said a prayer, split up into groups of four, and off we went.

I was with Jerry and two other people.

I'm not the most outgoing person ever. I can be, it just depends on the situation. I'm not usually comfortable with just going up to a stranger and start talking. Now I feel like an idiot because the entire time we were talking to homeless people I hardly opened my mouth. I stood there like a dumb ass, my nerves racked, just about ready to have a panic attack. Talking to people, being around so many people....I was a little freaked out.

The first hour and a half was really discouraging. We walked around and couldn't find anyone to talk to.

There was a man sitting on the side of the road with a backpack and an scraggly beard. Jerry walked up and asked him if he was here to get food from the soup kitchen.

The guy just shakes his head and says, "Nah, I'm just getting some cocaine."

And then he whips out his crack pipe and starts smokin. I'm like....damn! I've never seen anyone do crack-cocaine before. I've seen the after-effects of pretty much everything. Heroin, meth, down to something as 'little' as marijuana. (Don't get me started on weed. I fucking hate that stupid shit.) But I've never seen someone do any hard drug before.

This guy just whips it out because it's an everyday thing.

Like he was just eating a candy bar on the bench in the park.

Alright. Welp, you have a nice day, sir.

And we bounced out to go find more people that need help.

I would have been willing to wait til he's done doin his drugs to talk to him, but he didn't seem very interested. I don't blame him. Who needs God, friends, or happiness when cocaine will do the trick for a little while?

We gave out every single tent. 20 tents. We helped over twenty homeless people, giving them blankets if they needed them, backpacks, and we weren't supposed to hand out money but a couple people did anyways.

I felt like a useless piece of shit. I wanted this thing to go over so well, and it did. But maybe I'm being selfish. I wanted to feel included, like I was actually doing something. The only thing I did was put up fifty bucks to help pay for expenses. That's it. I didn't talk to someone who is homeless, I didn't give anyone the coat off my back, I just stood there like a stupid fucking idiot. I sold maybe TWO bracelets for the fund raiser while Jerry and other sold over ten.

Maybe I'm being selfish. But I just wanted to help.

This project was mine and Jerry's idea.

We started this whole thing.

And the only thing I did was put up money.

Jerry said, "Oh no, this thing couldn't have happened without you."

I don't believe that for a second. Everything would have been fine without me. I didn't sell any bracelets, I didn't talk to any of the homeless people. I could have been non-existent and it wouldn't have mattered.

I wanted to do something good.

I wanted to feel like I'd really made a difference.

But nobody really even needed me, or noticed me.

Worlds

Sometimes I think I'm lost in my own world,
and I don't want to leave.

But it gets really lonely.

Why are you so sweaty?

I was watching Cops.

Before I get started on what I wanted to talk about today I want to rant about something really quick: I hate, hate, HATE when people just assume things about me. I guess I'm guilty of assuming things sometimes. But I try really hard not to. I'm the type of person who is not quick to judge. I try really hard to be understanding and look for the good in someone. When someone else (not mentioning names) tells me that what I'm doing is stupid or wrong.... It pisses me off. You have no idea what I'm doing! Am I unemployed? Sure. I'm unemployed. I was working for awhile. Now I'm not. So suck it. I wanted a break. I wanted to spend more time on the holidays and stuff. I'm almost broke, but I'd rather be broke and happy than rich and unhappy. Don't assume that all I do is sit around and waste my time, being a bum, being useless and irresponsible. I can be a very responsible person. Allow me at least a little irresponsibility every now and then. Please and thank you.

/end rant.

IT SMELLS LIKE EFFING BACON.

I want.

Now that I've ended that rant...I was going to take about being grateful and having a cheery disposition these holidays. Hahaha. My subject got ruined by my rant, huh? Who cares. :)

The tent outreach is going FANTASTIC. I don't' know if you all know about it. But Jerry and I have been collecting donations so we could save up and buy 20 tents for the homeless. We're going to go downtown next Sunday and talk to the homeless, give them tents so they can be warm this winter and not freeze to death. I really really want to save some lives. Anyways. We've had so many generous donations that we went OVER our goal. We spent the extra money we received to get blankets to go with each tent. I'm really really excited. Whenever I go downtown, it is impossible for me not to see someone who is homeless. And it breaks my heart. Even though I'm unemployed and short on money, they could always use help. So that's why I'm trying my best to help them out. There are homeless people who can't go to shelters or refuse to. I remember hearing on the news about three homeless men that froze to death even when they were huddled together.

SO. We hand out the tents next Sunday after church. Keep me in your prayers, guys. :)

And I know many of you have been waiting to hear the latest on my research project. [[Research on True Love]] I'm sorry I haven't been working as diligently on it as I have been but I'm going to try harder I promise!!

Keep it real!

MMMM

(ahahahahahaha!)


It's lunch time. :]