Becki with an 'i'

Sometimes I think I'm so different from other people that it scares me.

And since I'm so different, it scares me that I will never be accepted.

Not by a group of people,

Or even to have friends.

But to have someone know everything, be my complete self with that person.

Just to be rejected.

Why is rejection so fucking scary?

I've been rejected before. I didn't die.

I was named Rebecca when I was born, but my dad gave me the nickname 'Becky'. In fourth grade I decided to spell my name with an 'i' because I wanted to be different.

Something changed between fourth grade and high school. When I got to high school I was shy and I wanted to be just like everyone else. I tried so hard to fit in. God damn, I hated high school. It was like walking into hell every morning. I tried to wear the right clothes and hang with the right people...most of the time I just ended up sluffing class in the girl's bathroom by myself, waiting for the bell to ring.

I'm okay with being different. Sometimes. I obviously don't want to be like everyone else, be a fucking robot and dress in the latest fashion and do everything everyone else is doing. Fuck them. I'm Becki with an 'i'.

Something most people don't know though...

when I'm alone, sometimes I just stare at my feet and cry.

And I love it.

Here are the odd things:

-I hate sleeping.

I really do, I kid you not. For one thing I have nightmares pretty often. I'll sometimes write short stories about them. Anyways, for another thing, I can think of so much more I could be doing! I know it's odd, but I think sleeping is either boring or scary. I hate risking the scary part.

-I enjoy crying daily.

I'm still not sure why. Not necessarily self pity all the time. I just love to cry.

-I'm terrified of school. Any type of school.

I have anxiety attacks and all sorts of fun shit.

-I'm terrified of pregnant women.

Don't ask me why. I have no idea why.

-I really want to go streaking one day.

-I don't like being independent.

And I'm sure there's more, people. I'm sure there's more.