I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest

Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the morning
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Aahh, the sun is blinding
I stayed up again
Oohh, I am finding
That's not the way I want my story to end

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside

You're my protection

But how do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence...
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
When I won't remember, save your breath, 'cause what's the use?

Aahh, the night is calling
And it whispers to me softly, "come and play"
Aahh, I am falling
And if I let myself go, I'm the only one to blame

-Sober, Pink.

My fight for sobriety is getting harder and harder.

I broke up with Eldon today.

I need a break. I need to figure myself out. It's hard for me to love myself. I remember feeling comfortable with myself. I remember being confidant, when i wasn't afraid to be myself. And now i feel like i have to reach a level of expectation to have a boyfriend. On top of it all, find a job, text my therapist every night to tell him if i was completely sober that night....it's just i've been so stressed. I need to step back and breathe. It's so hard. It's hard not being able to text Eldon and ask him if he made it home safe. I know that he'll wait for me. He said he would. And I won't keep him waiting for eternity. I do want to be with him. Possibly for the rest of my life. It was so hard to see him put his head and his hands and just start crying. He asked for a picture of me. He didn't know that i'd framed a picture of both of us. It was one of my favorite pictures. He was wearing his favorite hat that day. Anyways, i framed it and set it on my dresser the night before. So when i grabbed it and took the picture out, he just started crying again. He loved that i'd framed it. But it also crushed him and made him sad. I've never had someone care about me as much as he does. Heard the saying Absence makes the heart grow stronger.? Well i hope that's true.

I was pretty hurt earlier this week. I guess my ex boyfriend is going to court for watching child porn at a daycare center. I'm honestly sickened and so angry. It turns out that all those times he would ditch me to go play World of Warcraft....he wasn't playing that game. He was busy with his sick hobby. It's so hard for me to understand. I loved this guy. Come on, he was my first love. I think i'll always care for him. I'll always love him. I've moved on from him now. I haven't talked to him in about a year. But still...i just wish he could understand me. I wish he could understand what life is about. It's about making the best out of what you've been given, doing what you need to do to be happy. About smiling and laughing often, appreciating the little things. I remember when he passed out in class in High School...he hadn't eaten enough. He said he was just tired. Our group of friends knew he had an eating disorder. I worried about him constantly. I still hope he'll wake up. Stop doing drugs, and realize what i was trying to give him. I tried for four months....i loved him so much. We dated a year and a half. But those last four months were hell....

Last night i wanted to drink so bad. It's hard, but i have been sober for i think two weeks now. My dad bought me an AA book. I've read a little bit of it. At first i thought it was too...dramatic. But i read some more and i realized that I can relate with it. I understand what it's like to wallow in self pity, wishing you had something to take it all away.

Father's Day is tomorrow. I have no money to buy my dad anything. :(

It's a sad time for me. But I have to look on the positive side. I know my dad will love me no matter what. Maybe I'll make him a card. That still makes me feel like a cheap low life daughter though.