I wish I could say.

"Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone"
~Natasha Bedingfield

I'm very bad at expressing my feelings. There will be things I want to say, but when it comes to saying it, my tongue gets all tied up. Later on, I'll be laying down, about to fall asleep and I'll know exactly what I want to say.

"Last night I was writing about you.
I know my screaming and shouting won't keep you."
~Tegan and Sara


Nobody believes me when I say that my heart has been broken beyond repair.
It's really frustrating.
I've never been that severely hurt before, emotionally.
I had another nightmare last night. This time, it had the first guy I ever dated in it. Weird, I know. I haven't talked to him in almost two years. And I am actually over him, although it took me a long time to get over that guy. Anyways. He was saving my life in my dream. Or trying to at least. Which I found kind of ironic considering our whole relationship I was trying to save him.
I'm really too nice.

"I felt you in my life before I ever thought to
Feel the need to lay it down beside you and tell you
I feel you in my heart and I don't even know you
And now we're saying bye"
~Tegan and Sara

I feel like I've had something unlocked inside of me.
Even though I'm the most depressed I've been in a long time, I feel like I'm seeing the world for the first time. I want to know everything, but at the same time I want to leave it a wonderful mystery. I've been taking lots of pictures lately. I'm seeing beauty in the oddest of places. Sure, the pictures don't always turn out how I want them. But it's not being satisfied that counts. It's that I took the time out of my day, to look and think about how beautiful it is. I've also had crazy fantasies about someone I've never even met.
..........................
I JUST WANNA HOLD HIS HAND!

Damn it.
But like i said.
My heart? Non-repairable.