Staying up late
Smoking cigarettes and watching cartoons
The knife ever turning in my gut
I can hear my own heart beat
It's so clear
The thud in my chest
Drowning out the television
Who am I kidding?
Waiting for the smile
To finally sink into my skull
Fighting for the happiness that always stays,
Just out of arm's reach
I plan for happily ever after
When Happily Ever After has no plans for me
The knife
Turning
Turning
Who am I kidding?
With each burning drag
I wish they would kill faster
The knife
The smoke
Just end the turning
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted
The smile
I take a hammer
And try attempt to nail it to my skull
Nail the smile
Make it stick
Make it stay
Because I can't stop the glimmer of hope
The tiny thought
It lives somewhere in my skin
That even if Happily Ever After
Wants nothing to do with me
I will seek it out
And make the smile stick
But who am I kidding?
"This is life behind the blinds of a billion beings." I read your poem/blog just after writing/posting my own, and they are somewhat similar in tone. I love reading you , Becki. The pained confusion you so perfectly displayed here only reminds me that you are remarkable in so many ways.
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