I spend my days reading, writing, and watching movies. Sounds amazing and blissful, right? No.
I'm alone, and I'm tired of it. I know I've been bitching about the fact that I have no friends. I should feel lucky for the very few I have. But if you could just allow me a little more time to bitch, it would be greatly appreciated.
I have one girl friend left. We're not super close, but she's the only thing I've got right now. Makes me sound desperate, but it's true. I don't even see her that often since she's dating Robert.
And Robert...well he's a guy. Sure, girls and guys can be friends, but there is always that boundary. I can't tell Robert, or any guy for that matter, everything about me and have that super close friendship because...well if you're a guy and we become close friends, you're gonna fall for me. It's just a mother fucking fact, and I know that from experience.
There's Charles (JC), as a friend but he's also a guy and the last thing I need is him falling for me.
My little sister used to be my number one, my best friend.
Ever since she got a boyfriend, everything between us changed. I really want to throw this guy in the sarlacc pit. I wanted to give him a chance at first, I met him and he seemed really nice. But it seems to me the more and more I hear about him, the more I start to dislike him. Maybe my opinion is one-sided, I don't know. I can't ignore the gut feeling he gives me. The first boyfriend is always an interesting experience for every girl. I hope her experience is better than mine, but I really don't trust this guy. If this slimy bucket of horse shit breaks my sister's heart or takes her virginity, I will rip through his ego with every offensive word I can think of. I'd kick him in the balls too, but I'm not very violent. So I'll just tear him apart with my vicious rhetoric.
This past year has been a roller coaster for me. I've been changing a lot and I don't know if I like what I'm changing into. I finally have an urge to be responsible for Christs sakes. To grow up. I don't think I want to. I don't want to be the kind of person who wears pant-suits and watches Dharma and Greg and matches all their socks. If I change too much, I won't know who I am anymore and that scares me. I was just barely getting a handle on who I am when suddenly I start fucking changing all over again. I was an irresponsible fuck up that would totally change your life for the better. I would dress like a little kid and show others that it's okay to be immature sometimes. I would smile a lot because I knew if I smiled at a person, at least they would be happy, even if just for a split second. I laughed too loud, I drank too much, but I was also the perfect person to hold your hand when you're puking in the toilet. I was friendly, understanding, and full of so much fucking love that it was basically exploding out of my body and everyone could see it.
I don't want to lose that. I want to lose control every now and then, I want to wake up with a hang over, I want to be spontaneous and take pictures of stupid things.
This change that is happening to me has made me lose all of my friends. And the last thing I want, is to lose myself too.
There's nothing wrong with change. Change doesn't have to change us. Yes, that sounds crazy, but it's true. We can grow, adapt, become responsible, and start matching our socks, but that doesn't mean we need to stop being who we are at heart.
ReplyDeleteThe problem with friends is that they change too even as we are changing. That's why I like what people say: friends come and go but family is forever. I've lost almost all of my friends (in a sense) as they got married and their best friend became their spouse. The good thing is that it's allowed me to become friends with their spouses too and now I have more friends that I never see.... lol.
ReplyDeleteAnd if you EVER slay someone with your rhetoric I HAVE to be there!! hahaha. Meanwhile, I totally have been there where you hate his guts because he's taking your best friend away. It sucks, so instead let's convince her to bring him around to make him be a friend too, that way we don't have to hate him for stealing her. :)