[[In the perfect world, I wouldn't hate myself.]]In the perfect world, I would never lose my best friend. I'd have a job that I love. I'd have Mr. Right by my side. I'd have my own car and my own place. I'd feel like I deserve a relationship with God.
But unfortunately....
I'm just a giant FUCK UP. :D
Yup. I hate myself, what of it? There's a lot of people in this world that hate themselves for one reason or another. I'm not exactly sure how to 'love' myself when I've been hating myself for so long. For years and years.
My best friend pretty much hates me. I don't blame her, I'm kind of a fucked up person and I've made a lot of mistakes. Some of them being unforgivable in her eyes, I think.
Mr. Right...well let's not get into that. :(
I don't have a car because I have a fucking anxiety attack every time I get behind the wheel.
I don't have my own place because I don't have a job.
And I most definitely don't feel like I deserve to know God at all.
But unfortunately....
I'm just a giant FUCK UP. :D
Yup. I hate myself, what of it? There's a lot of people in this world that hate themselves for one reason or another. I'm not exactly sure how to 'love' myself when I've been hating myself for so long. For years and years.
My best friend pretty much hates me. I don't blame her, I'm kind of a fucked up person and I've made a lot of mistakes. Some of them being unforgivable in her eyes, I think.
Mr. Right...well let's not get into that. :(
I don't have a car because I have a fucking anxiety attack every time I get behind the wheel.
I don't have my own place because I don't have a job.
And I most definitely don't feel like I deserve to know God at all.
Becki, you are so much better than you think you are, and I know it. I KNOW! Promise. You are such a loving person, you want to save people, be a mommy (which you'll be great at too) and you went on a great mission to help the homeless! Those are great desires and works and you deserve credit for them. You are awesome!
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking about you so much these past two weeks. You have NO IDEA how much you are constantly on my mind. I love you so much and it hurts me to see all the pain you're going through. I hear things in Institute, in church, and on the radio that make me think, I wish Becki could hear this. To hear how much God loves her. There's a song on K-Love you've probably heard about how You Are More Than the Choices That You've Made. Because you are. (Listen to it if you don't know what I mean http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3J3M7uVjwI8) And if you feel like you don't deserve to know God then that means you are ready for him to help you. LET HIM IN and I mean literally. Delve yourself into church, bible study, service, and prayer. You may have made a lot of mistakes but you haven't made any that God can't help you with. I promise. Anytime you want to talk, I'm here. Seriously. Phone, email, at home. Talk to us and let us help you. I love you tons and tons and I'm STILL praying for you everyday that God will watch over you and help you through your struggles. John 14:1 and John 3:16-17. And if you need any more reminding http://lds.org/general-conference/2006/10/he-heals-the-heavy-laden?lang=eng
I want you to know I don't tell you any of this to preach to you, only out of desperation to help you. I really want you to be happy, you are a good and loving girl who deserves to feel like she's loved. I want you to be happy with yourself and who you are. It's possible. I want to leave you a short testimony of my own that I know God loves you and I know that he knows you and he already knows what you're going through. He knows your pain intimately. Jesus died for you and he'll never ever ever ever give up on you. I won't either. No matter what you've done to make you hate yourself, you don't deserve to continually make yourself suffer. I love you. Please come talk to me or Mom or Dad. Dad was saying he wished you talked to us so we could help you... he even offered to set up an appointment with Dave and drive you over. :)
Sorry for the essay.... I've been meaning to tell you a lot of this for a while.
LOVE YOU!
Gaaaah I've been thinking about all that stuff too!
ReplyDeleteLove you!