I Kinda Always Knew I'd End Up Your Ex-girlfriend

Photograph by Robert Mudd

I got to have my heart broken all over again in a nightmare last night. Woke up shaking and crying, if you had heard me you would have thought i was in severe physical pain. I wanted so badly to disappear.

We were dating again in my dream. Holding hands, laughing like normal....i thought everything was fine. Sitting on the floor of his living room, he pulls away from me and says, "Becki, i have something to tell you." From the other room, walks in a completely gorgeous brunette. A body the God's would be jealous of, and the purest, most beautiful smile. I turn to him confused, then he says, "This is my fiance." And she holds up her left hand. Sure enough, there's a giant rock on her ring finger. There's a crushing weight on my chest and suddenly I can't breathe anymore. I throw myself into his arms screaming, "No! No, this can't be true!" Tears are coming to my eyes uncontrollably and I take his face in my hands and beg for him to love me. I beg for it as if i were begging him to spare my life. I keep saying over and over, "Please just love me, please! Please, oh god just please love me!" But there's an emptiness in his eyes when he looks at me and impossibly, i hurt even more. I turn to look at the stranger with the ring on her finger. She shifts uncomfortably and i turn back to him look him deep in the eyes and say, "You're very lucky. She's absolutely gorgeous." Then I curl into a ball on the rough carpet and just cry.

That's when i woke up. And it still hurts to think about. For the first time, I'd found a guy I actually wanted to spend the rest of my life with. For the first time, I gave myself fully and completely to a man. Only to be cast aside.
I no longer want to eat.
I don't want to sleep, I'll dream of him.
Alcohol can't numb the pain anymore.
I don't even want to accomplish my dreams anymore.

I honestly doubt something as wonderful as him, could happen again.

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Photographed by Me
Model: Ashley

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Model: Me

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Model: Kurt
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Ashely's shoes

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Model: Sarah

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Kiera, Trever's dog