Deteriorating

Why do i feel like I'm slowly deteriorating?

Depression has slipped it's strong grip around my throat and is slowly choking me. My creativity left me. I try to take creative photography shots, but I'm left with boring, already done ideas. I feel like an ugly waste of a person. I've looked the same way for about a year. I'm tired of the way i look. I need a job desperately. When I'm not busy doing something, i go crazy. I'm tired of not doing something productive.

Also, I've finally admitted to my alcoholism. It's a big disappointment to me. My parents are being very supportive. But I couldn't look my dad in the eyes and tell him that i fell off the wagon again. I drank yesterday. He's been so proud of me! He'll look at me and say, "And who's been sober for two weeks now? Becki!" But no. It hasn't even been twenty four hours of sobriety. You'd think I'd be able to handle this. I was in rehab for depression two years ago, but they also taught me the same tools to help with addictions. It's so hard. I didn't know addictions were this tough to kick. I'm around alcohol all the time....and if someone offers it to me, it takes a whole hell of a lot of power to say no. I don't want to be an alcoholic. At the same time my brain scrambles for justifications to why it's okay for me to drink.

I need help. Thank God i have therapy tomorrow.