Numbers

I have indigestion. :( My tummy hurts sooooo bad.
I've been feeling a little down lately.
Know any funny jokes?
Or send me a link of a funny picture?
That would be amazing of you guys. <33

Now for the numbers!

20 Things I love:

[[Being 20 is Awesome]]

1. Fuzzy Blankets
2. Elephants
3. Umbrellas
4. Ugly Sweaters
5. Good Charlotte
6. Photography
7. Nail Polish
8. Bracelets
9. Jacket Weather
10. Cuddling
11. Cotton Candy
12. Nerdy Guys♥
13. Spider Man
14. The Little Mermaid
15. Red Hair
16. Poetry
17. Hula Hoops
18. Stupid Adventures
19. RobertBFF♥
20. Jhonen Vasquez

8 Secrets:
[[My Favorite Number]]

1. If I'm not careful, I will be an alcoholic.
2. I'm surprised every time a guy hits on me.
3. I don't enjoy sleeping.
4. I've been in love twice.
5. I've had a couple 'pregnancy scares'.
6. Sometimes I wonder who would care if I died the next day.
7. I day dream about true love basically 24/7.
   
8. Sometimes my depression gets so bad that my chest hurts.

10 Random Facts About Myself:
[[The day I was born]]

1. My right ear is kinda weird lookin :P
2. I can't read sheet music for the piano, but I play the piano anyways.
3. I make bracelets.
4. My highest bowling score is 60. :/ [[I'm really bad.]]
5. I am fearless on a horse.
6. I never went to detention in school, or got in trouble.
7. I smoked weed a couple times, and hated it every time. Still hate it.
8. I think I have beautiful hands. :)
9. I've been arrested before, when I was 16.
10. I can blow smoke rings when I smoke hookah.
    

TTFN.♥

Research on True Love: Comes to a Close

If you've missed the beginning of my research project, click here.

I think I figured it out. I think I found out what True Love.

"When you care for and love someone so much that it doesn't matter if they feel the same way. It doesn't even matter if they're in love with someone else. All that matters is that the person they are calls to your heart so much you wish them happy. No matter what that other person does, they can never hurt you because you love them so much. By my definition, Jesus had true love for humanity." -Jonathan
↑↑
I know I used that quote already, but I honestly think this is as close as it gets to the definition of True Love.

Lucky is the man who is the first love of a woman, but luckier is the woman who is the last love of a man."
-Unknown

"If love is the answer, can you please repeat the question?"
-Unknown

"I believe that to truly love, is the ultimate expression of the will to live. A heart that truly loves is forever young."
-Unknown

True Love is just love. Plain and simple.
No expectations, you don't have to work for it or earn it.
It's just real love.
The kind of love that I've always believed to be dead.
The kind of love that I seek daily, through God.

I thought it was impossible to find True Love on this planet.
It's human nature to have expectations, and to fall short of them.
I thought it was impossible to find someone who would love every single tiny thing about me, flaws and all. I thought it was impossible to find someone who would just love me, plain and simple.

Guess what.
I found that someone.

Unfortunately, we don't talk anymore. :(

Unconditional

True or False?

Unconditional love is dead?

Why are you so sweaty?

I was watching Cops.

Before I get started on what I wanted to talk about today I want to rant about something really quick: I hate, hate, HATE when people just assume things about me. I guess I'm guilty of assuming things sometimes. But I try really hard not to. I'm the type of person who is not quick to judge. I try really hard to be understanding and look for the good in someone. When someone else (not mentioning names) tells me that what I'm doing is stupid or wrong.... It pisses me off. You have no idea what I'm doing! Am I unemployed? Sure. I'm unemployed. I was working for awhile. Now I'm not. So suck it. I wanted a break. I wanted to spend more time on the holidays and stuff. I'm almost broke, but I'd rather be broke and happy than rich and unhappy. Don't assume that all I do is sit around and waste my time, being a bum, being useless and irresponsible. I can be a very responsible person. Allow me at least a little irresponsibility every now and then. Please and thank you.

/end rant.

IT SMELLS LIKE EFFING BACON.

I want.

Now that I've ended that rant...I was going to take about being grateful and having a cheery disposition these holidays. Hahaha. My subject got ruined by my rant, huh? Who cares. :)

The tent outreach is going FANTASTIC. I don't' know if you all know about it. But Jerry and I have been collecting donations so we could save up and buy 20 tents for the homeless. We're going to go downtown next Sunday and talk to the homeless, give them tents so they can be warm this winter and not freeze to death. I really really want to save some lives. Anyways. We've had so many generous donations that we went OVER our goal. We spent the extra money we received to get blankets to go with each tent. I'm really really excited. Whenever I go downtown, it is impossible for me not to see someone who is homeless. And it breaks my heart. Even though I'm unemployed and short on money, they could always use help. So that's why I'm trying my best to help them out. There are homeless people who can't go to shelters or refuse to. I remember hearing on the news about three homeless men that froze to death even when they were huddled together.

SO. We hand out the tents next Sunday after church. Keep me in your prayers, guys. :)

And I know many of you have been waiting to hear the latest on my research project. [[Research on True Love]] I'm sorry I haven't been working as diligently on it as I have been but I'm going to try harder I promise!!

Keep it real!

More and More

"We cease loving ourselves if no one loves us. "
~ Germaine De Stael

This research is getting more and more difficult.
More and more heartbreaking.
More and more exciting.
More and more mysterious.
More and more complicating.
Just more and more.
I might be researching this my whole life.

Research on True Love: STILL IN PROGRESS

I didn't know this project would be so hard. I feel like I've taken a bite out of something more than I can handle.

I didn't think about it before, but I can't research and ask questions and think and ponder, without first confronting my past and my personal feelings on true love.

That's the hard part.

Love is...so many things to me it's hard to know where to start.
I tasted it for the first time when I was sixteen. [[click here]] It was exciting, it was mysterious, it was beautiful. I fell in love with love itself. I didn't see the dark shadows love might hold, I didn't ask questions, I just loved. Back then, my love was more pure than it ever has been since.

After that experience, love is one big whirlwind for me. Memories float up from the bottom of my mind in a haunting manner, making me face the memories I pushed away. The dulled pain of heartbreak resurfaces when I start to remember.
The tears falling onto my shirt when I tell him to leave me alone forever.
Smiling when I hear a love song on the radio.
Time suspended in photographs of us.
The taste of the sweetest kiss on my lips.
The bedtime stories.
Waking up with a smile on my face.
Wishing he would call.
Drinking whiskey to dull the pain when he left.
The silly faces.
The adventures.

Love.
Is so many innumerable things.

I've made my share of mistakes, in the name of love. Were any of my experiences true love, though? My first love was as close as it gets, I think. I don't think I've experienced true love. If I'd experienced true love, I'd probably know it.

My great grandma had love at first sight. She saw my grandpa walk into the room, leaned over to the person sitting next to her and said, "I'm going to marry that man." And BAM she did. I'm a total believer in love at first sight. Nobody else does. That belief is almost dead. haha. It seems like I'm the biggest romantic on the planet. lol

Research on True Love: IN PROGRESS

"Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired."
- Mark Twain

The research on True Love is under way! And yes, I've done lots of research because it's been on my mind. A LOT.
Ready?


1 Cor. 13 4-8 "Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Love will last forever..."

↑↑
That's pretty upfront and straight to the point. My favorite is 'Love does not demand its own way'. For real real.
I still have more study I need to do with the bible. You have no idea how many times the word 'love' shows up in the bible.

If you ask Etta James what true love is...from her song At Last, she'll say:
"My lonely days are over. And life is like a song."

"Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it...It really is worth fighting for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more." - Erica Jong

"Love is friendship set on fire." - unknown

"To love another person is to see the face of god." -- Les Miserables

"So many definitions and not one answers the question." -unknown

"Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to." -unknown

I asked a few other people too. :)
"True love is... when person You love also love You." -Saffella

"true love is ... A devastating wave... A sweet and bitter candy... A moment and an eternity... The way I sometimes look at you ... The blossoming feeling when I know we are just about to kiss.. My feeling when I see you leave... My joy when I can touch your skin once again... When I hear you laughing.. The way I felt on the first hour of our child... A scar that won't ever really disapear... The ability to forget and forgive, without knowing it ... A madness... and a blessing ... You ?" -Clay

↑↑
I'm not true love.
But the rest of the answer, I agree with. More than most answers, actually.

"True love is when you're willing to do anything for that person, even look past their faults and learn to love them entirely." -sk8rchik96

↑↑
I love her. haha.

"I don't know. True love to me is the same as apparitions, UFOs or Bigfeets. I have not personally seen or experienced these things but I do believe they exist and I have my own personal opinions about them (I also lump long term relationship under true love). If you ever do find out please journal it, I want to know! I want to believe" -Foxtrot
↑↑
I guess a lot of the time I feel the same way. I've experienced love. I've been IN love. True love...sometimes I wonder if it's the same as a UFO.

"It's hard to put into words. I really don't know how. It's something you have to feel to understand... It'll be worth the wait... I promise you. The best feeling in the world." -Sean

"You feel happy just being the two of you together, as if you could spend eternity with them, throughout thick and thin. Almost like no one else seems as if they could take their place." -Jordan (not egg head ex boyfriend)

"When you care for and love someone so much that it doesn't matter if they feel the same way. It doesn't even matter if they're in love with someone else. All that matters is that the person they are calls to your heart so much you wish them happy. No matter what that other person does, they can never hurt you because you love them so much. By my definition, Jesus had true love for humanity." -Jonathan

I told him that was one of the best answers I ever heard. He said,

"Well I like to think that you have to find someone that unlocks that holy, saint-like side of you. Someone who not only makes you selfless, but forces you to remove yourself from the equation completely. You only think of them and not about what you would lose or gain if they left or stayed. You just love them. There is no pain, no guilt, no envy. Only love."
↑↑
Damn. I want THAT.


I know. It's a lot of reading material, I'm sorry. Sometimes I just want to make sure it's possible. I want to be certain that my dream could come true. Maybe. One day.

Research on True Love: COMMENCE

So. What the HELL is true love? Becki has turned into the sexy detective to find out! Sexy because I think being a detective is sexy. Especially if you're Robert Downey Jr. in Sherlock Holmes. Let's do some research!! :D [[Oh and by the way, I have not slept a WINK all night. It's thanksgiving day, so busy so busy and yet I've been up all night. I tried to sleep. But I was tossing and turning and eventually I just picked up a paper and pen and wrote and wrote and wrote. Now here I am.]] I went to the most reliable source on earth: Urbandictionary.com. I know, it's kind of a dumb website but when it comes to TRUE love, I guess we better work with opinions first before we try to find some facts. Anyhow. This is what I found. And it's fucking fantastic. "To define true love, would be to ruin it's purity, therefore, It has no definition. There isn't an example even Shakespeare could describe." ↑↑ Word. "When you drink a litre of coke before you go to bed just so you can lie awake all night thinking about her. 'It's true love, I stayed up all night on a caffeine high thinking about her.'" ↑↑ That one's just funny and I can't help it. :) "True love is being corny but really meaning it. " ↑↑ I can accept that. I love corny. [[This one is kind of long but it is my absolute favorite. YOU MUST READ IT.]] "farting in bed then laughing with each other if it smells bad, putting notes in random books at a bookstore, blowing up anthills and eating beef jerky, dancing with him while standing on his feet, taking her home when she throws up at school, then kissing her on the cheek and taking a nap with her, sitting on the floor at Hastings with Starbucks and looking at random books, buying pet rats just because you wanted to, buying her a big cup of ice from Sonic, not making him pay for everything, taking long drives and talking about random stuff, staring into each others eyes and smiling, taking 30 minutes to type a sweet long text message just to show that you care, carrying her inside when she falls asleep in your car, making fart noises on each others bellies, staring at them when the door is open in the classroom across the hall, talking in cute silly voices to each other with wide eyes, seeing her at her worst and still calling her beautiful, telling her to call you if she can't sleep no matter what time it is, not calling him because you want to let him sleep, still feeling the same spark you did at first every time you kiss, singing loudly together, roasting marshmallows for them just how they like them, walking barefoot outside in freezing cold weather because he wants to, playing Call of Duty with him even though you suck, and most of all, true love is being able to understand how the other feels without them even saying a word. What Corvin and Amber are experiencing is not just any old love, it's true love. :)" ↑↑ Is that not cute or what?!?! I really wish I could ask if Corvin and Amber if they're still together. I mean, that was posted in January, so you never know what could happen in almost a year. I hope they are. Me being the romantic I am, I always want to believe in true love. Let's look up soul mates shall we? "It's like what Aristotle says about true friendship: 'One soul in two bodies.' Not necessarily anything cheesy like you're "meant to be together" forever, but two people who compliment each other so well that it TRULY seems like they are one soul lingering in two bodies." ↑↑ Well. I have definitely never found my soul mate then. Because seriously, NOBODY really compliments my personality. It's pretty hard for anyone to understand my thoughts and gets along with me. "Two people that are supposedly perfect for each other and meant to be together forever. But for people who actually have a brain, the idea of "soul mates" is ridiculous. There are certain people who are right for you at certain times in your life. There isn't ONE person who you are always supposed to be with forever." ↑↑ Well that seems fucking negative! I've always thought having a soul mate was possible. Maybe I'm just hopeless. I still think this is super negative. I will definitely have to do more research. Probably check out some romance novels from the library. Romance novels rock anyways. Although they ARE completely fiction...damn it. I know, I'm fishing for excuses to read those stupid novels. Sorry. Let's get into focus again, come on, let's get real! Okay. So. I will post again when I've researched some more. Google just isn't going to cut it. Should I just go around about the street and ask people what True Love is? Probably not. Let's hear what you think first. And I'll get back to you. :)