The Dead

A group of friends and I went to the cemetery to look at a supposed 'haunted' grave. I know. I'm 20 years old and I'm doing something that sounds that immature? Well, the experience was a lot different for my friends than it was for me.

The Moritz grave isn't really haunted. In fact, he's not even buried there, he's buried in Germany. There's just a memorial placed there because he founded the Salt Lake Brewing Company. But I'll give em props....the memorial is way creepy looking.

It didn't stop everyone else from telling ghost stories, giggling and getting a little scared, but not wanting to show it.

I sat down on the curb of the cemetery. It was a really nice night. Cool, but not cold. Collin was saying something about how creepy it would be to sleep in a cemetery. I didn't think so at all. The sound of the sprinklers was calming, the grass was green, the trees were huge and really beautiful. The fact that I was sitting among the dead didn't creep me out at all.

It was the fact that when I close my eyes and dream, I dream of chopping up bodies and putting them in graves just like the ones I was sitting by.

It creeps me out that when I close my eyes and drift to sleep, I turn into a different person. I wouldn't even call myself a person. I turn into a monster. I feel like I never really sleep. Sleep doesn't happen. I just close my eyes and live a second life, a violent life, a horrifying life.

When I wake up, I wake up with thoughts of death fresh in my mind, I can still smell the blood. Sometimes it makes me feel uneasy, sometimes I get sick just thinking about it. Other times my mind reels with excitement for a new story to write.

When I'm out with my friends, they don't really know. I feel normal around them. A feeling I sometimes crave, but mostly detest. I laugh at all the jokes. Not a forced laugh, for God's sakes I do have a sense of humor. I smile a lot, and I'll be honest, I'm a fun person to be around. At least I think so, anyways. That's what everyone tells me. Just by looking at me, you would never know that my nights are more haunted than any gravestone in the cemetery.

It's not always the nights. I'll see shadows in the daytime. Things that aren't really there. That's when I really start to question my sanity, and I start to wonder if there is something wrong with me. If there's something inside my head, making me see these things. Making me dream these things.

My mom came upstairs, asked me if I had been up all night. When I said I was, she said, "Becki, you're not gonna be able to sleep if you're sitting up staring at the computer all night."
My reply was, "I'm not going to be able to sleep anyways."
But she just shrugged it off. My family is used to my horrible sleep habits. I stay up, stay awake for as long as possible until I feel the drowsiness take over my whole body. And that's when I slip into the darkness and my mind plays games with me.

Not every night. I think I have nightmares more often than I remember. Some days when I wake up from sleep, I don't remember a single thing. But there's still that horrible feeling that I cannot shake.

The hard part is wondering if I'll ever have someone accept me for everything I am. Monster and all.

I highly doubt it though.