The Young and the Homeless

I saw a guy do cocaine for the first time ever.

We'll get to that in a second.

The tent outreach was on Sunday. Jerry and I have been putting together that project, you all probably know about it. Giving out tents and blankets to the homeless.

The experience...wasn't what I thought it was going to be. Every time I go downtown, I see a homeless person. You can't go to the mall or Burger King without seeing a homeless person asking for spare change. It's bull shit, really. Everyone says 'that's life' or 'they reap what they sow', but no. It's bull shit. I don't think anyone should be homeless. Someone could be fucked up on meth every single day and I still don't think they deserve to be homeless.

We got all the tents together, said a prayer, split up into groups of four, and off we went.

I was with Jerry and two other people.

I'm not the most outgoing person ever. I can be, it just depends on the situation. I'm not usually comfortable with just going up to a stranger and start talking. Now I feel like an idiot because the entire time we were talking to homeless people I hardly opened my mouth. I stood there like a dumb ass, my nerves racked, just about ready to have a panic attack. Talking to people, being around so many people....I was a little freaked out.

The first hour and a half was really discouraging. We walked around and couldn't find anyone to talk to.

There was a man sitting on the side of the road with a backpack and an scraggly beard. Jerry walked up and asked him if he was here to get food from the soup kitchen.

The guy just shakes his head and says, "Nah, I'm just getting some cocaine."

And then he whips out his crack pipe and starts smokin. I'm like....damn! I've never seen anyone do crack-cocaine before. I've seen the after-effects of pretty much everything. Heroin, meth, down to something as 'little' as marijuana. (Don't get me started on weed. I fucking hate that stupid shit.) But I've never seen someone do any hard drug before.

This guy just whips it out because it's an everyday thing.

Like he was just eating a candy bar on the bench in the park.

Alright. Welp, you have a nice day, sir.

And we bounced out to go find more people that need help.

I would have been willing to wait til he's done doin his drugs to talk to him, but he didn't seem very interested. I don't blame him. Who needs God, friends, or happiness when cocaine will do the trick for a little while?

We gave out every single tent. 20 tents. We helped over twenty homeless people, giving them blankets if they needed them, backpacks, and we weren't supposed to hand out money but a couple people did anyways.

I felt like a useless piece of shit. I wanted this thing to go over so well, and it did. But maybe I'm being selfish. I wanted to feel included, like I was actually doing something. The only thing I did was put up fifty bucks to help pay for expenses. That's it. I didn't talk to someone who is homeless, I didn't give anyone the coat off my back, I just stood there like a stupid fucking idiot. I sold maybe TWO bracelets for the fund raiser while Jerry and other sold over ten.

Maybe I'm being selfish. But I just wanted to help.

This project was mine and Jerry's idea.

We started this whole thing.

And the only thing I did was put up money.

Jerry said, "Oh no, this thing couldn't have happened without you."

I don't believe that for a second. Everything would have been fine without me. I didn't sell any bracelets, I didn't talk to any of the homeless people. I could have been non-existent and it wouldn't have mattered.

I wanted to do something good.

I wanted to feel like I'd really made a difference.

But nobody really even needed me, or noticed me.