November then December

What do I do with this feeling?

Everyone is so excited for the holidays. The snowflakes, the pumpkin shakes. The hustle and bustle, buying presents, making snowmen in the front yard. I can't be excited. I've never been in a relationship during the holidays. They're usually ruined during, or around the holidays.

I tend to try to escape the holidays. I drink a little more, I sleep in later. I don't want to think about presents wrapped up in paper with pictures of santa on them. I don't want to think about making cookies and decorating a Christmas tree. I don't want to hear Christmas songs playing in the grocery store. The big wet flakes, falling on my face. The smiles, the red bows, the hats and gloves. I'm not a grinch, I'm not a scrouge. I just don't want to think about the heart break that Christmas brings,

every year.