Seeing Fear

Oh gosh.
What a horrible day.
I keep crying and it won't stop.
My nightmares are pretty bad.
Here's a good gorey one for ya:

Standing over him, I cut his eyes out with a scalpel. Blood poured down his face and onto my hands, and he screamed. I held the eyeballs in my hands, looked at them, and then said to him, "There is fear in your eyes. Now you will no longer see fear."

See? WTF?!?!?! I wake up sweating and shaking again.
And time for more venting.
I really hate that she entered my life.
If she hadn't, I would be so happy right now in my life. I'm positive of it.
I'm so miserable, I have such a hard time being happy in my life.
I got a job finally, and it's not a bad job. It pays alright, the hours aren't horrible, and I'm earning money. My friends love me and they're always there for me. Same with my family, my family is pretty freakin awesome.
But i'm still shedding a couple tears before I fall asleep.
(If not a couple tears, it's a whole fucking waterfall down my face.)
I depend on two stupid tiny pills to stabalize my moods.
And sure, my moods are stable and constant. Problem is, my mood is constantly sad and depressed. Oh but I'm so good at putting on a smile for everyone. And it's not like I'm trying to fake it. I'm not pretending to be happy like I was before I went to rehab.
This time I'm actually putting on a smile because I want so badly to be happy, because hopefully if I keep putting on that fake smile it will turn into a real one.

Maybe I'll find someone, and maybe he'll love me and tell me I'm beautiful.
I just need to keep putting on that smile.
Hopefully someone will notice it.
I'm getting a little lonely.