I don't know if I'm a victim or if I should blame my stupidity.

The fact that I have these bruises on my body scares me, because I know the bruises on my heart and on my emotions will take longer to heal. It's a constant battle of anger, bitterness, and then crushing sadness. I'm angry thinking, "I didn't deserve this." But then I over-analyze and the next thing I know, I'm telling myself I definitely deserved it all. I don't know the reality anymore.

I have been sexually assaulted twice within the past three months. Two different times, two different people. Just thinking about it makes my hands shake.

I'm scared of everything now, but I'm trying to be stronger than ever. It's so difficult. I'm not going to completely fall apart this time. I swear I'm not.

Everything has changed. Everything is different. I hope it doesn't stay this way. I don't laugh as easily, I feel like I've been broken in half, but I'm trying to pull myself back together. I start crying without warning, even when I'm in public or around friends. I no longer trust men, even the amazing men in my life that are worthy of trust. I feel like I have to carry pepper spray around with me at all times, even if I'm just going to a friend's house.

I wanted to go back to therapy. I need that ear that will listen, the office with the cold leather couches and the big white clock on the wall. I can't go back to my old therapist and I don't have enough money for therapy anyways.

So now it's time for me to be strong, even at what could be the hardest time of my life.