I'm a slacker
[[never did i have alotta dough]]
I'm a slacker
[[smokin pot and watchin videos]]
Not really, guys.
I don't smoke pot. Ew, gross. Haha.
But I like that song, whaddup.
Point is, I'm really slacking on posts for April. I don't quite know why, but I know my depression has something to do with it. I have less inspiration and when I do write, I write in my Becki Bible and hide it away from the world. [[Speaking of Becki Bible, I will be posting April's bible entries the beginning of next month almost here!]]
Someone recently posted a blog that got my mind to rolling and tumbling, and it made me want to finally post something and share a little bit of my mind with you all. So here it is:
Seriously, sometimes I think I'm gonna lose it and just punch something. I'm not the best at describing how I feel. In fact, I fucking suck as at explaining how I feel, unless I'm writing. If someone asks me to tell them how I feel. Uh-uh. Not happening.
I'm holding so much in, I'm trying to be someone I'm not, and it is catching up to me. Fast.
We'll start with the area of family. One or more members of my family may read this. Which kind of sucks with what I'm about to say, but at the same time, if I can't say it anywhere, I will end up going on a cat-killing spree or something. Let's get this out of the way first: my family fucking rocks. I love them to death.
But I have some serious communication problems with my family, I have ever since as long as I can remember. And lately, they have been driving me insane. I'm sure some of it is my fault. For sure. I just don't know how to fix it. I've always kind of felt like the outcast. I don't go to the LDS church, and because of that I feel like I've let down my parents. I know that's not true, and no matter how many times they reassure me that they're proud of me, I still never feel like it's enough. I feel like I can't talk about how I feel, or even sometimes how my day was. And even when I try to do so, sometimes I get looks from my family like, "We don't want to hear about that type of stuff." So I shut myself up, and try to keep myself from pulling out my hair and screaming.
I always felt like I had to live up to others' standards. I can't keep up, it's a constant race I'm running even when I know there isn't a finish line, even when I know I cannot win. A lot of it ties in with religion in a weird way.
On top of that, I feel like my family, and most everyone else looks down on me for being unemployed, for not going to school, for dropping out of high school in the first place, like I'm a dead beat.
How can I possibly explain this....
Ever since I was 5 years old, I wanted to make a family of my own. Get married, make babies. That's what I was born to do. No question about it.
The thought of school or any type of education makes me want to swallow a wooden-board-with-nails smoothie.
Having a 'career' or a 'job' sounds like the worst thing in the world to me. There isn't a career in which I could excel at, and enjoy it. Writing: Who wants to pay to hear about my whiny life or stupid opinions? Nobody. Photography: I'd have to take a class. You already know how I feel about education or school.
Maybe I sound like a total piece-of-shit person, but I hate that. I hate that I have to have a job and be earning money. I hate that I have to be going to school and getting an education to be 'going somewhere with my life'. No. I just want to be myself, I want to get married, I want to have kids, I want to be a stay at home mom, god damn it.
When people tell me 'it won't work' and that I'll need a job or a career to properly raise my kids and support them, fuck you. Don't tell me how to live my life. It's mine, and I'd like to figure out how to do it on my own.
I've been going to a church [[actually mostly just the activities, but still]], and I don't feel like I fit in there. There aren't very many people my age, the ones that are my age...well they don't seem to be interested in being my friend anyways.
I'm sick of not having a place.
I'm sick of not belonging in my family, or anywhere else.
[[never did i have alotta dough]]
I'm a slacker
[[smokin pot and watchin videos]]
Not really, guys.
I don't smoke pot. Ew, gross. Haha.
But I like that song, whaddup.
Point is, I'm really slacking on posts for April. I don't quite know why, but I know my depression has something to do with it. I have less inspiration and when I do write, I write in my Becki Bible and hide it away from the world. [[Speaking of Becki Bible, I will be posting April's bible entries the beginning of next month almost here!]]
Someone recently posted a blog that got my mind to rolling and tumbling, and it made me want to finally post something and share a little bit of my mind with you all. So here it is:
I'm about to go fucking bonkers.
Seriously, sometimes I think I'm gonna lose it and just punch something. I'm not the best at describing how I feel. In fact, I fucking suck as at explaining how I feel, unless I'm writing. If someone asks me to tell them how I feel. Uh-uh. Not happening.
I'm holding so much in, I'm trying to be someone I'm not, and it is catching up to me. Fast.
We'll start with the area of family. One or more members of my family may read this. Which kind of sucks with what I'm about to say, but at the same time, if I can't say it anywhere, I will end up going on a cat-killing spree or something. Let's get this out of the way first: my family fucking rocks. I love them to death.
But I have some serious communication problems with my family, I have ever since as long as I can remember. And lately, they have been driving me insane. I'm sure some of it is my fault. For sure. I just don't know how to fix it. I've always kind of felt like the outcast. I don't go to the LDS church, and because of that I feel like I've let down my parents. I know that's not true, and no matter how many times they reassure me that they're proud of me, I still never feel like it's enough. I feel like I can't talk about how I feel, or even sometimes how my day was. And even when I try to do so, sometimes I get looks from my family like, "We don't want to hear about that type of stuff." So I shut myself up, and try to keep myself from pulling out my hair and screaming.
I always felt like I had to live up to others' standards. I can't keep up, it's a constant race I'm running even when I know there isn't a finish line, even when I know I cannot win. A lot of it ties in with religion in a weird way.
On top of that, I feel like my family, and most everyone else looks down on me for being unemployed, for not going to school, for dropping out of high school in the first place, like I'm a dead beat.
How can I possibly explain this....
Ever since I was 5 years old, I wanted to make a family of my own. Get married, make babies. That's what I was born to do. No question about it.
The thought of school or any type of education makes me want to swallow a wooden-board-with-nails smoothie.
Having a 'career' or a 'job' sounds like the worst thing in the world to me. There isn't a career in which I could excel at, and enjoy it. Writing: Who wants to pay to hear about my whiny life or stupid opinions? Nobody. Photography: I'd have to take a class. You already know how I feel about education or school.
Maybe I sound like a total piece-of-shit person, but I hate that. I hate that I have to have a job and be earning money. I hate that I have to be going to school and getting an education to be 'going somewhere with my life'. No. I just want to be myself, I want to get married, I want to have kids, I want to be a stay at home mom, god damn it.
When people tell me 'it won't work' and that I'll need a job or a career to properly raise my kids and support them, fuck you. Don't tell me how to live my life. It's mine, and I'd like to figure out how to do it on my own.
I've been going to a church [[actually mostly just the activities, but still]], and I don't feel like I fit in there. There aren't very many people my age, the ones that are my age...well they don't seem to be interested in being my friend anyways.
I'm sick of not having a place.
I'm sick of not belonging in my family, or anywhere else.
Hot damn, becki, I have so much I want to say about this! I commend you for not restricting your feelings, it's really hard to do if you know a certain someone might be reading what you write. I don't really have time to write a long-ass comment like I want to do (I'm moments away from heading out the door), but I want to say I understand you. I have been spending my entire life not living up to my mother's expectations, but I simply don't share the same life interests as she does, and I'm not willing to become someone I'm not just to please her. Have you ever heard of a book called Ishmael by Daniel Quinn? It's about life and humans, past and present, and it's awesome and I think you'd like it. Oh, and it has a talking gorilla as a main character... who doesn't like those?! Write on, beckijacket, write on. I love it!
ReplyDelete