I didn't know what shit would go down though.
I heard a song recently and one line in it said, "I can't stop making bad decisions."
Seriously though, that's like me in a nutshell. AND DO I LEARN FROM THEM?! Not recently, no. It's a vicious cycle, I'm telling you! Just when I decide, 'Wow Becki, quit being a dumb fuck.' I do it all over again.
And this time it's...pretty serious.
Not gonna go into details, but let me put it this way:
I crossed the line. And then I bawled in one of my best friend's arms for a good hour or so.
And I wasn't just crying. I was shaking and close to throwing up.
I can't stand up for myself.
Every word he says cuts me like a knife.
Pain shoots right through my emotions.
And it's not because I care for him, he's a straight up dick.
But it hurts because I know I shouldn't be treated like that.
I'm a very nice person, polite, fun, and most of all CARING if you'll let me.
But go ahead. CALL ME A BITCH FOR NOT PUTTING OUT.
When I say no, I MEAN NO.
It fucking pisses me off, but the worst part is, I can't stand up and call that guy a douche bag. I can't do it. I will just leave when he calls me that horrible name, and go in the other room and cry. Hearing him say it over and over, constantly making me feel like I'll never be good enough. I've never been emotionally abused so I don't know technically what it is, but this feels like it.
And this isn't just a boo-hoo blog about an asshole. I've made my mistakes. And lately, they've come crashing down on me like a freaking herd of elephants on my lap. Is a herd of elephants really a herd? Anyways. I ache like none other. And a lot of it IS my fault. Not only that but the others' around me: they're falling apart too. This December has been by far the worst...and I don't know what I'll do about Christmas presents.
I don't want to be anymore.
I've completely lost myself.
Okay, woman. This is getting serious now. You don't need advice. You need to get some help. Please! Talk to someone.
ReplyDeleteLove always,
Kurt
I actually think it's very healthy to realize where you've made your mistakes, it sucks because it hurts BUT in the end you'll be able to make better decisions in the future.
ReplyDeleteI also think it's healthy to cry, I always feel 10 times better when I do. I am glad you had someone to help you at that stage.
Crying helps. Lets us know we are only human. I asked myself same as you have when I was in my relationship. If name calling exist and constantly used to especially make you feel low, it is considered emotional/ verbal abuse. You've recognized your mistakes and taking fault, but the "names" you do not deserve and is b/c of issues within himself.
ReplyDeleteAs suggested (and maybe you have), talk to someone. A friend, or a counselor. I spoke with a counselor and it's interesting b/c they know what questions to ask. They tell you what you've been thinking- problem solvers.